My ‘Hindi’ dakhalandazi, in pure ‘Angrezi’!!!

My  Dearest  readers, thank   you so much for reading my blog;  and  graciously  putting up with me – although  I have been  making  Khichdi out of the  English language!! I’m one of those Literature students who was actually thrown out of the kingdom of Literature; fell off the tree of Linguistics,. and was rejected by a board of  scoffing, nearly choking and  coughing, English Professors, who CHASED me out of town with a BROOM !!: …Cursing my khandaan from maasi to buaa; Giving one after the other  English mein  bad’duaa…!!!’  and yet : I chose to come back – and show my face – and even try a HAND AT WRITING!!!

So,  you see, I just don’t have what it takes : to be  an English writer like everyone else … my WRITINGS  lack  that ‘SHAKESPEARE – IC’ “thee, thy, thou, thine”  wala  Angrezi touch …My pronunciation and diction have  some sort of an issue – for me, it’s easier to write “arey, jaa re .. yeh puniya ka kaam kar ke, aa.. re !!” rather than, ” I hereby ordain unto thee, to perform this noble task”

If , any  English writers;  narrated  a  story  about “the fights  between two wives of a gentleman; ”, they  would certainly  bring together the most polished of words to adorn the title of the story; LIKE : “The miseries of the 2 wives” Or “The fable of the 2 Wives who fought throughout their  lives ” Or maybe “The two  quarreling  wives ”…. But  my title for the same would be….“Sautan Lagaye Aag, Jaan Bacha ke Bhaag”!!

“what to do oh ladies?, we are dill, dimag and adaat se INSANE,”

I have brought out the most hilarious, obnoxious behavior of us girls when it comes to impressing guys,…but why leave out the even more  atrocious, ferocious, behavior of the BOYS..when it comes to the same???!!! So here are some comments on our ‘uchalta – khudtaa  ankh – marta  langoors,’: who fool and  “be – dimag” ho kar bhi, try to act cool..

I’m sure; hum sabka pala inse padha hain “stinky skunks” with, puffed – up chest, and spiked – up hair; they think of themselves as handsome hunks  and god’s eternal  GIFT to heaven and  earth… the ‘saari ladkiya mujh pe marti hai’   TYPE!! These disastrous freaks  are every girl’s ‘chalta phirta dread and buraa sapna’ they ‘FOOL around  with all but don’t honor anyone as apna’  

Inn se toh pala padhte hi, inke sar pe chappal padhti hain !! the “luche lafange complete  bedhange” TYPE These ‘badnaseeb, mentality se ajeeb, mendhaks’– will stare and stare and stare and NO GIRL they’ll SPARE – until their head is hammered by a range of lady’s footwear!!

Aur inn “SARFIRE ajooba’s”  se toh hum sabka pala, padha hi padha hain!! – the : behlao – fuslao, uljhao – atkao – fasao, and bewakoof – banao all the girls : with their airy – flairy talks, and hopeless show  – off TYPE!” the MOST outrageous  brainless gadha’s with their heratangez adaa!!

The young “Ajeeb – o – gareeb vichitra INDIAN praani’s” and their CAFÉ – addict kahani

The Lockdown, although a  ‘majboori’ ..it did  somewhat help bridge this  ‘doori’ and brought  back the fuss – free Bindaas zindaa – dilli, loving and caring  DESI attitude of  us, Indian youth  : in the past one – and  a – half  year we  have had no choice but to celebrate birthdays  and  events at  home, or at normal places with our family and friends; without whose presence our lives would be adhuri!!  

BUT now, we’re BACK : to the so – called : PERFECT ‘new – age’ café RAGE…!  The  cozy, coffee, and ‘gupas’ over the cupas business!! A   fancy place  with a decorated unchaa ceiling; and 5 – star Angrezi, Spanish waali feeling : and  all the fuss and  nakhraas you can think of – set in with wifi, A/C and the latest modern comforts …Furniture and atmosphere cut to match the craving of the west – loving, Indian youth : and a name and location  that would get any brand – conscious café –addict instantly glued there!! Where  your  instagram followers would die approving and praising off. …

For every occasion:  you run to one of these CAFÉ’S with your “baal rangeela, bheja dheela’’ atrangi chelaa’s  grooving  to the sound of some bizarre BESURA high angrezi music ki dhun!!.. Your, swirly creamy, ‘coffee’ shivers : while YOU  do a zordar koshish  at everything from “machal – pout”  to “ghodaa – grin”, changing a HUNDRED FILTERS but STILL looking like an unsatisfied elf…. Arey  yaar; Stop this India – born “VIDESHI” banne ka stress and mess,  and simply enjoy; your  undisputed “artistically manmohak, naturally photo – readily akarshak”, true DESI “kadak chai” and self !!! !

This festive season put your imagination of compassion, into real ACTION!

There has been so much  talks, about – what all we have been through socially and financially as a nation in the last 19 months, BUT now – we  actually  have a chance  to celebrate “walking the talk”, by  looking  beyond just ‘ meetha – pakwaan, phul jhaadi, and haatho ke liye nayi ghaddi’.

This is especially for those of us who fancy ourselves as the Pitaa ji, or Mummy ji of all the goodness and kindness and charity in the big wide  world , we read  books with the most atrociously FAKE descriptions of charity, listening to speeches by great persons, and always quoting quotes of endowments, philanthropy, selflessness, and generosity…!! Even saints  and scholars  may fall short IN FRONT of the  way we give BHASHAN’s about changing the world through kindness and compassion in our HEADS!!!!

We  are so imaginary with charity and so IGNORANT of one’s reality that we drool and savor in the delicious flavor of unrealistic “once – upon – a – time” kind of stories – but asliyaat is quite FAR from this imaginary nonsense of ours!! Leave alone going WAY, WAY, WAY out of our WAY … to help – we won’t even do something for someone who is actually  RIGHT in our WAY!!!  All  our kindness and compassion : becomes dhua and disappear into hawa!!

So; …my dear friends ..zara reality mai dill khol ke karo charity!! Stop this ‘thought’ and ‘reality’ ke beech ka DISPARITY! This festive season open your heart, home and  bathua, and give sachi, sachi, or you will go down into history, for your air – headed daan – puniya,  in an imaginary duniya!!

Bollywood’s storyline is HIT: kyunki yeh ho gaya hain humare khaali dimag main FIT!

BOLLYWOOD’s  shandaar talvarbaasi, and ghode – pe sawar, REVENGE ka bhukaar;  punchlines  ke  saath  tayar  heroes and heroines….! Laila’s  and  Majnu’s   with  their,   “chup – chup ke milne”  ka jugaad  and   sar  pe  “tension ka pahad” !! and  their  pathetically, hysterically, unrealistic – dukh bhari daastans, with risk – laden raastas!

The  “pyaar main andha”, compulsions “se bandha” jhund of HEER’s and RANJHA’s ..being   chased by smugglers of  CHARAS and GANJA !! Belonging  to none other  than the  conspiracy clan :  the descendants of Gabbar Singh and Mogambo  : some  high – profile sophisticated criminals, in suit – boot – glares; accompanied by  men – in – black ki band, others – the  gunda – mawali  chor, daaku, “villagers ko dhamkao, heroine ko uthao” type……..

Then we have the  ancestral blessing and family trait  of the – HERO’s purvaj  to always   fall  in “LOVE” with the “Gaon ki  SABSE gori”…  THE most impossible forbidden chori,:  the  daughter of a RICHEST Sarpanch, Sardar, Thakur, Raja, Zameendaar, …???? with big trail of Kala – gaadi’s and servants ka paltan….OR either so rugged, so poor so DUR – BHAGYA  stricken, misery ridden; khandaani  gareeb ki santaan !

Whatever the  case – our  beloved  “Heroines”;  whether  they’re fighting  with  barsaat;  andhi – toofan  OR working in the khet  with dhul mitti and raith ;  their hair and skin  is all glossy,  all set …all HIT!! Singing  and  dancing  around  jhaad, phul – patti…… all that ‘HERO ke baahon mein  EFFORTLESSLY girna’;  ‘baalon ka hawa mein  yun udhna’… Aah haah – haah! How eye – popping; how  jaw – dropping,!! There’s admiration, there’s  CHEER  and exaggeration beyond  imagination  which may  result in a series  of  brain  damage, wearing &  tearing any bit of  our  ability  to THINK  and  DISCERN any FURTHER”! …..BUT….. “yeh hai BOLLYWOOD meri jaan, iske liye DILL toh kya,  DIMAG  bhi hai  kurbaan”!!!

Being a goat for a guy – part 2

The – extremes

I  must say  when it comes to guys ,  some   of  us   girls  are  a  level  above  THE  REST  and suffer  from an  exceptionally  hazardous  unexplainable bimari…..known as the  ladkiyo  ka EXTREME  Khatarnak dual personality disorder!!!

Meet   the  ‘Ghar ke andar;  Mummy Daddy  ka  baby  Bandar’  ‘Main  kaun  hu? Mera  naam  kya  hai??’  TYPES  … who,   act completely  oblivious  of   their   surroundings  especially of  the  prajati  (species)  called  “BOYS”,  but  – as  soon as  they  are out  of  the  leash  they  become  vigilant  as a  leopardess  set  out   to hunt… they  can  slither  like a snake, and imitate  all  the  moves  that  a  tigress  makes…They  can growl, and roar  and  pounce and  chase  the  boys, out of   their  hiding – places;  go  HEAD – OVER – HEELS  and do  Hulla – huppa  jhingaa – lalla !  ‘Till   they  have   sat  on their  head, pulled off  all  their  hair  and given  them  all  a  good  life – long  scare’!! 

Then  we  have  the  REVOLVER  RAANI’S :  ALWAYS  ready  with  GUNS  and  DAGGERS   in their  army  tankers  to attack – and  BOMBARD!   

We are  the  TYPES   Who can go  to  any   height  and  turn  black  into  white  !! ‘ to  rid  the  earth  of  ALL  the  OTHER  girls… and be the ‘LONE ones standing’:   before  the boys!!’  

Our   level of  insanity and  HOSTILITY;  is  so  out of  measure’  that at  the  very  mention of  another  girl ;  we declare a war …and  give  out a  shoot – at – sight   ka  order,  be it  on  earth  or outer space ka  border!!!   

Mai  esaa dynamite, grenade,  bomb  phodungi!! 

Ek bhi  ladki  ko bachne nahi  dungi…..!!

Ladko  ke  duniya  main,  sirf  aur  sirf  mai  hi  raj  karungi.

The great grand foolish premium offers of the shopping malls!! And how nice a bakra; we become for them all!

Whenever   I  accompany my friends to the mall;   at  the entrance itself;  I start feeling dizzy   looking at the food counter in front –  one andhruni  dukh starts rising up inside me. I can imagine out of all those  ‘das din se baithe hue’   snacks on special  offer : what  all dangerous, plastered  with  sugar , layered with chocolate,  floating in sauce,  extra cheese…..big, mountain – sized, asteroid –  shaped  snack is going to be picked out!!!!

Once that frightful ordeal of  devouring  the most obnoxious snack – is done : it’s time for  the SABSE BADA   dread  :  the  BUDHBAKO  KA  PREMIUM  OFFER  where I become ‘bahar se  silent   andaar se violent   witness’ to hours of my friend’s mindless buying of 20  truckloads of useless  fads and fancies  and everything else on earth; BUT  that  one  thing they actually need.

By now,  I  am woe – struck   seeing  all the sar – daard  my friends have bought  while they are awe – struck of all the offers they have got!!   : and jubilantly take  home  all  kinds  of  outrageously outlandish gadgets, and  tons  of  paraphernalia  – all of which is   –  less “kaam ka saman” … and  MORE  “saman” for which   they will  have  to break   their heads  to create some “kaam” !!

There’s   a  devilish  mind behind   arranging, setting and putting up things at the malls : so many  TEMPTING  OFFERS  and  ALTERNATIVES ; cunningly and attractively  packed : for those easily convincible  BAKRAAS;  WHO  go totally gaga over it…and enjoy –  all sorts of  FALTU ka  fuss and attention; be it in buying or billing or trolley ka merciless filling!!!!

The unpredictable mind, of the over – sensitive kind!

These  VOLCANIC, any – moment – ready  to erupt, burning – coal headed, lot of people  have a toofani bullet  train mind – they make up their own idea for everything ! and maintain  the most extreme  unrivalled sense – of   “bura  maan jaana” and – NO MATTER  WHAT – manage to  find  “tantrum – throwing  ka bahana”!!

The process of talking to them, has a massively, bhayanak; effect on the mind of any NORMAL person and can leave you with the – sarsarahat, farfarahat and ghabrahat  waali feeling!!!

Anything ,  said  even in the best of intentions; is somehow manipulated by this lot  ; and turned into a personal insult,  bad feeling and a million other  complications!! Their minds are  fully loaded  with land mines –   you don’t  know what may  trigger them  and   BOOM – BHAA – DOOM!!!!……it’s a blast!!

If you  talk to them, you’re stuck, ..if  you don’t  you’re still stuck ….

If  you  look at them, they   say  “you’re staring”  … if you don’t look; they  assume you’re ignoring!

If you involve them, they  feel  you’re forcing,  if you don’t;  they think you’re REJECTING.

And may the gods have mercy on you, when you’re  talking to them as a group,  you can feel the sweat and fear trickling off  your  forehead and  neck  at the very  imagination of  some Moofat  saying something, or just about anything;  that  might get to them!! For , in my humblest opinion; the world’s most  hanikarak, and explosive combo – is  that of a be – dimaag moofat  and a zarurat se zyaada dimaag wala  over –sensitive Khusat!!!

MISS ‘same to same’

While beauty  is meant to be diverse and filled with amazement; beauty contests  are just the SAME OLD  sameness ka arrangement!!!

The  girls at most of our Indian beauty contests are all : tall, thin, and of course; fair and lovely…  aage, peeche , upar, neeche they all look same – to – same; itnaa zyada same, that I doubt anything can differentiate them, apart from their name!!

The same gown! the same hairstyle; – an obnoxiously big  high bun which looks more like an anaconda  curled up on their heads and the same kamar pe haath wala signature pose; ka zabardast dose!!

And baap  rey  baap !! When they walk the ramp – my reasoning fails me to understand as to just  how they turn and make the same DARAWNA serious glance….they look like they’ll eat you, if they only got a chance!!

In all of this sameness, I must say that the JUDGES definitely have some rare ADHBUT talent : to still find a winner amongst them. And ALAS!! The rest of us are KHALAS!! : for only the one girl bearing the weight of that pretentious CROWN on her head; is the most admirable, desirable, sought – after beautiful being on earth and in heaven!

Arey baba!! Have we come to this extent of superficial beauty  ka juncture;  that our commonsense has only gotten puncture!? When everything else in life is unique, different and special in all it’s differences and variety – then why has this boring sameness become our unfortunate qualifying criteria for beauty?? 

TOUR TUMHARA, TORTURE MERA!!

Although, in the last 18 months; I have gotten a relief from my family and friend’s tiring trip tales, I must admit – that I do miss being in the “Tour tumhara, torture mera” situation!

Be it chewing my ears off on the phone – bragging, boasting and breathlessly blabbering about their  holiday!!

Or  in person , nearly blowing my head off, they start with their rides on a horse, their mornings at a resort with hill view; I tire more then they got tired at their treks….then they tell me about scuba diving; and I’m nearly drowning!!

I have had family friends, : vying, prying, crying, and dying to pop my eyes out !! just about anywhere – constantly tapping my shoulder with a “and see THIS, and see THAT, and THIS ONE and THAT ONE!!” to stuff themselves and me into their phone; overloaded with repetitive trip photos!

Having been through the  bhayankar (terrifying) and  exhausting narration of their  holiday trip, accompanied by their laborious efforts to bore me to death; I have often imagined myself telling them about their dreaded delusion of themselves being the supreme lord of travelling, however I’m thankful I didn’t literally do that – because now; I do miss the very same things – I do truly wish back for our good old days with all the torturous travel tales!!